How do I use someone's pronouns correctly?

Short Answer

Use someone's pronouns by learning them, using them consistently, and correcting yourself without making it about you. If unsure, ask politely — "What pronouns do you use?" — and use whatever they tell you.

The Basics

1. Ask once, then use: "What pronouns do you use?" is respectful and normal. If you already know, just use them.
2. Don't assume by appearance: Pronouns don't have a look. A butch person may use she/her; a feminine person may use he/him or they/them.
3. Use them everywhere: In conversation, introductions, email signatures, and behind the person's back. Consistency is respect.
4. Grammar check: "They" as a singular pronoun is grammatically correct — it's been standard English for centuries ("Someone left their umbrella").

When You Slip Up

• Correct yourself immediately and briefly: "She — sorry, they — are coming."
• Don't over-apologize. A long apology makes the person manage your feelings.
• Don't explain, justify, or complain about grammar.
• Do better next time — practice mentally, use their name as a cue.

When Others Mess Up

• Correct them gently if the person wants you to: "Alex goes by they."
• Don't do it loudly or embarrassingly unless the situation calls for it.
• Some people prefer to handle it themselves — follow their lead.

Pronouns Are Not Optional

Refusing to use someone's pronouns isn't "an opinion" — it's harassment. Companies, schools, and platforms increasingly treat deliberate misgendering as discrimination. If you can't respect someone's pronouns, the respectful move is to remove yourself from their life, not to argue.

Share Your Own

Sharing your pronouns in introductions, email signatures, and video calls normalizes the practice and makes spaces safer for everyone — especially for trans and non-binary people who can't always safely share theirs.